I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We smell like vodka and hangover
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