Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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