There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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