i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
