What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
