Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
