Don't make out with my wife yet
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
