I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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