My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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