Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
