Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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