I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
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I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
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Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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