He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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