I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
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Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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