bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
