i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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