my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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