dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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