Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
