I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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