She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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