Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
