I just threw up on my dentist
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
