so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
