i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
