I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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