I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck