it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my shit smells like andre
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks