we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
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because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone