Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
