New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
