Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
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Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'