That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
