You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
