They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
