i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
