honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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