i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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