Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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