guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
