I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
