Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
