Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
