I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!