So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on