my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
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I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.