I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What should our trivia night team be named?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species