At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind