so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Dating After Heartbreak
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?