I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure