OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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