I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm