Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
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it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.