The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
