I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
