Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
