dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy