I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.