Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
